September 4, 2012
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11:13pm
Filed under: heisenberg guest 
August 8, 2012

Hey Vorpal Sword,

    I had an idea about a potential article for your paper. It would be a rant article. For example there is this one asshole in my study hall who stapled my arm. He also has this girlfriend that should totally be dating me. Anyways I would just rant about stuff like that every week.                            -
-Michael Bush

August 8, 2012
Friendly Pigeon-Duck-Vulture-Dinosaur Greets MLWGS Security Guards


A baby Pigeon-Duck-Vulture-Dinosaur was found on the morning of Tuesday, October 18th ‘hopping and bopping’ near the front entrance to the school.
 It even tried to enter the building a few times. Mr. Charles and a gaggle of curious students followed the oddity around until it suddenly grew self-conscious and dived into the bushes, fearing what probably seemed to be a group of cooing and obnoxious paparazzi-esque monsters. It chilled in the bushes for the rest of the day, and wasn’t discovered again until Christian Goodwin, a man of amazing eyebrows and unforgettable shoes, noticed him after volleyball practice. 
Christian noticed the little creature and realized it was a baby.
"We knew it was a baby because it still had fur and all of its feathers hadn’t grown in yet. It had massive talons and ‘4 inch long feet’”
So not only was this pigeon-duck-vulture-dinosaur friendly… it was also fluffy. And armed.
Christian, amazed at how big it was as just an adolescent, called the SPCA and asked what the heck he should do.  
"They instructed me to capture the bird,(much easier said then done) So I could bring it
 to a conservation center in powhatan. What proceeded was something out of an old cartoon 
with me running after this bird as it ran from side to side of the court yard”
Considering Christian was galumphing after it with an ominous blanket and a shoebox… No wonder it fled. 
As the sun began to set, Christian was convinced he had the bird cornered, WHEN SUDDENLY THE FLUFFY BABY PIGEON-DUCK-VULTURE-DINOSAUR DARTED FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURTYARD!

"I can only assume he used dark magic to teleport over there."
At that point, the magical beast suddenly realized it could fly. And it flew away.
So, now that we have established there is a fluffy baby Pigeon-Duck-Vulture-Dinosaur with giant talons and powers of black magic flying around somewhere… how can we
protect ourselves?
First of all, DO NOT BE THAT JERK THAT THROWS THINGS AT IT OR TRIES TO PET IT. Obviously it came from somewhere, and so help me if you are the person to awaken some nightmarish-fluffy-platypus monster deep within the chasm of the earth, I will personally wag my finger at you and hand you a strongly-worded letter expressing my discontent!
What you should do is alert the security guards, call the SPCA, etc. Don’t call Christian though, you see what a fine job he did at catching it. Although, he did accomplish something in the end:
"I’d like to think I personally taught this bird how to fly…
by scaring the living day lights out of it.”