February 7, 2013
The Vorpal Blade: Troll Reviews

mwvorpalblade:

Django Unchained

Visionary director Hayao Miyazaki’s latest film, Django Unchained, is a departure from his usual whimsical animated features in that it is neither animated nor directed by Miyazaki. In fact, Miyazaki has just about nothing to do with this film whatsoever. It is instead directed…

sneak preview of tomorrow’s Vorpal Sword!

11:26pm
February 7, 2013
Troll Reviews

Django Unchained

Visionary director Hayao Miyazaki’s latest film, Django Unchained, is a departure from his usual whimsical animated features in that it is neither animated nor directed by Miyazaki. In fact, Miyazaki has just about nothing to do with this film whatsoever. It is instead directed by Quentin Tarantino, who made a bunch of incredible movies in the 1990s that you freshmen are too young to remember. Tarantino’s films are categorized by large amounts of gore and violence, weird camera angles, and Uma Thurman’s feet. In this latest romp, Django (played by Ray Charles) is a freed slave who must journey through the antebellum South to save his wife (played by Ray Charles’ wife) by making gratuitous homages and references to classic Westerns you haven’t seen. In order to do this, he must team up with Christopher Walken and take down Leonardo DiCaprio, who got pretty racist after drowning in the Atlantic Ocean. When he arrives at the plantation, however, he discovers that true power behind the throne is none other than Samuel L. Jackson, who hasn’t been in a single good movie since Shaft 2000. However, this simple premise has sparked much controversy. “American slavery was not a Sergio Leone spaghetti western,” whines director Spike Lee, “I’m not going to see the movie. I find it disrespectful.” However, the cast of the movie was quick to respond to Lee’s criticism. “Can it, mother****er!” replied Samuel L. Jackson. “The question for me is: where’s Spike Lee coming from?” says actor Ray Charles “He didn’t like Whoopi Goldberg, he doesn’t like Tyler Perry, he doesn’t like anybody, I think he’s sort of run his course. I mean, I respect Spike, he’s a fantastic director. But he gets a little shady when he’s taking shots at his colleagues without looking at the work. To me, that’s irresponsible.” Well-spoken, blind piano cowboy man.

Troll Rating: 10/10
Pictured: Spike Lee
Les Miserables
Ok, so I’m gonna be completely honest here—I fell asleep during Les Mis. What I gathered from the first five minutes though was that Wolverine was really really poor and Gladiator was being mean to him for some reason. Then Anne Hathaway started crying and then everybody in the audience started crying. Whatever. Crap movie. Move along.
 
Troll Rating: 2/10

Pictured: Russell Crowe as Javert in “Les Miserables”
Zero Dark Thirty
Zero Dark Thirty was a good film, but I think it’s important to examine the socio-political ramifications of a movie that promotes torture as a effective means of ending the war on terror. It’s true that we were able to finally capture Osama bin Laden, but The film has been both criticized and praised for its handling of subject matter, including the portrayal of harsh interrogation and torture. The use of torture was long kept secret by the Bush administration and described as enhanced interrogation techniques. (See Torture Memos). Glenn Greenwald, in The Guardian, stated that the film takes a pro-torture stance, describing it as “pernicious propaganda” and stating that it “presents torture as its CIA proponents and administrators see it: as a dirty, ugly business that is necessary to protect Americ=e critic Frank Bruni concluded that the film appears to suggest “No waterboarding, no Bin Laden=esse David Fox writes that the film “doesn’t explicitly say that torture caught bin Laden, but in portraying torture as one part of the successful search, it can be read that way.”ily Bazelon said, “The filmmakers didn’t set out to be Bush-Cheney apologists”, but “they adopted a close-to-the-ground point of view, and perhaps they’re in denial about how far down the path to condoning torture this led thePeter Maassof The Atlantic said the film “represents a troubling new frontier of government-embedded filmmaking.” AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. THE PATRIOT ACT EXISTS TO PROTECT YOUR FREEDOMS. THE PATRIOT ACT EXISTS TO PROTECT YOUR FREEDOMS.
U.S. GOVERNMENT RATING: 10/10 SHOULD BE MANDATORY IN SCHOOLS

11:25pm
Filed under: troll troll reviews django unchained satire movies les miserables zero dark thirty 
November 9, 2012

Anonymous asked: Dear Oscar, What are your predictions for the rest of the NFL season? -Football Tim

I’m afraid I don’t follow American football, I’m too busy trying to destroy the American government.

10:39pm
November 7, 2012
Meanwhile, at Vorpal Sword headquarters….

Meanwhile, at Vorpal Sword headquarters….

5:37pm
September 4, 2012
Volume 2, Issue 1

“…and we’re back.”


This year, the Vorpal Sword is taking a brand new direction: towards the future.

In addition to our brand-spanking new website, we also have a slew of new writers for you to check out and an all-new comic artist! In this ground-breaking first issue, you’ll find articles on all of the following topics:

That really isn’t enough for you? Fine. Have this picture of Clint Eastwood and Tyler Durden.

11:49pm
Filed under: ed admin troll community fight people fight club gifs clint eastwood 
September 4, 2012

11:19pm
Filed under: comic dc batman robin the joker 
September 4, 2012

11:19pm
Filed under: comic 
September 4, 2012
Ask Oscar 9/7/12

Dear Oscar,

I searched all over the school website and through all of my teachers’ websites, but I couldn’t find a supply list! Now I haven’t bought any supplies, and I don’t know what to buy. Where should I find my supplies list?

—Freshman Frank

Frank,

Personally ask all you teachers what supplies to get. Particularly any AP and higher level teachers. They really appreciate this use of their time.

—Oscar

Dear Oscar,

Over the past three months I decided to ditch my compute and go outside more, and try to get a tan. Unfortunately, I just ended up transforming into a massive sunburn, and it keeps peeling and getting nastier by the day. What should I do?

—Burnt Brian

Brian,

Go outside in the sun some more, and wear less clothing. That way, all of you will be burnt.

—Oscar

Dear Oscar,

While completing my Calculus Summer Assignment, I realized that I do not know any math. What should I do?

—Clueless Carla

Carla,

Draw little pictures of bunnies at the top of all your quizzes for extra credit. It seems to work for Mr. Ross.

—Oscar

Dear Oscar,

What clubs should I join this year?

-Awesome Andy

Andy,

The only club as Awesome as you Andy is the MLWGS Satire Club. But it’s only awesome if you write articles. Otherwise it is by definition not awesome.

—Oscar

11:19pm
Filed under: oscar 
September 4, 2012
Freshman Starts off the Year with 1000 Hours of Community Service

After only a week, the class of 2016 has shown the rest of MLWGS just how destined-for-success they all are. It’s no surprise that there are no less than twelve 9th graders in AP Calculus, or that many Freshmen have been wandering the halls in search of a classroom where they can turn in their essays on A Walk in the Woods and Cutting for Stone. But when it comes to showing up the rest of the school, no one has done it better than John “that’s just swell” Smith, a county kid who returned Monday from a two-month trip to Uganda with 1037 hours of community service ready to log. John, who financed his trip with money he earned at LemonAid stands over the years, lived on his own for eight weeks in the city of Kampala, where he helped to not only build a library, but also start his own foundation for leukemia, organize the adoption of three refugee children from South Sudan, and, somehow, cure hunger on the city streets. When asked about his summer, Smith replied modestly that he “was only trying to do his part.” The Freshman was only “vaguely aware” of the community service requirements he had fulfilled while in Uganda. “I might have heard about that,” he said. Meanwhile, Sophomores, Juniors, and Seniors continue to scramble for their 140 hours. “I’ve only got 80 more to go,” said Senior Mackenzie Werner.

11:19pm
Filed under: sass 
September 4, 2012
Welcome Freshmen!

This staff member of the Vorpal Sword would like to welcome the class of 2016. I’d like to start you guys off with a few pointers. Seeing as last years “Adopt A Freshman” program went horribly wrong — you all remember the chickens right?— we are no longer allowed to give you organized, one-on-one “guidance” so I thought why not just start them off with some advice in everyone’s favorite publication? These tips should get you through your first year here at MLWGS (or at least your first semester, you know imminent apocalypse and all.) 

  • the famous fourth floor pool you probably heard about on shadow day is off limits to underclassmen, if caught there you will be trapped and utilized as either a poolboy (yes you must wear an animal print speedo, no it will not be provided) or as a floatation device. 
  • if biology gets confusing and you’re having a hard time remembering every little step to respiration just stick it out and remember it only gets worse from there, just wait until your teacher brings the rats in to dissect you. (P.S. Squid Sex.)
  • The third floor corridor on the right hand side is out of bounds to all who do not wish to die a most painful death
  • DO NOT LOSE TEXTBOOKS— they literally cost an arm and a leg, this is Maggie Walker, we don’t care if you have all of your limbs…it’s not like we play sports here
  • if the vending machine eats your dollar just stick another in…it’s bound to work eventually right? If not you could always shake it, security loves a good vending machine shake
  • Don’t forget the life sized paper mâché model of your class sponsor is due September 31st to be hung in the freshman commons, failure to do so will result in your sponsor abandoning you. This is ill advised: you don’t quite know how to fend for yourselves yet

If any newbies have questions about life here in *gasp* high school don’t hesitate (or do, I’m not your mom) to contact a staff member. We’ll get around to it sometime after college apps are due, by then the weak ones of the pack will have died off…I mean dropped out anyway. Good luck! 

11:19pm
Filed under: tbd